Wednesday, September 2, 2009
lost and found
wen do you realize its over ? thats like asking wen did it start . i cant pinpoint where i fell for him ; or wen he fully had my heart but i know at one point he did . he had each and every part of meeh and its weird cus i never thought id let myself get that close to someone again but i did and quite honestly i dunno how he did it but he did . the begining was interesting ; we had each other but we had others too then one day it was just "us" . noone else no questions asked and thats wen i became aware tht through the clubs and late nite visits and road trips he had won over my heart and i was actually okay with it . i hadnt planned on finding love but hey it found meeh . this is where things got really goood ; meeting famalies making plans all the fun stuff . we had ur fair share of arguments but who doesnt .but as we got closer i began to feel he was pushing meeh awayy . hed say things tht he'd later apologize for but the damage would already be done . neither of us were angels in the relationship but i tried my hardest tp mke it work and to give him my all ; but it never seemed to be enough ; he'd still always find something wrong . i slowly began to lose my sense of self . everything i was doing was becus of him ; my hair . my actions . my friends , my clothes ; i had lost ME . and then one day it hit meeh ; i was no longer happy and my feelings had changed . i know wen yur in a reationship you mke scarafices but you should never have to sacrafice your sense of self . i had never been so dissappointed in myself before . how had i let a guy change so much about meeh ; and as i began to find myself again i once again became not good enough. we coudltn have a converstaion without arguing and fighting. everyhting i did was wrong or shady and it got to a point where i cudnt take it . not even love was worth this fight , and i didnt gove up on us ; instead i believed in myself . i'll always have love for him but my person has been so damaged and hurt by the things hes said or done tht i dont know if i'll ever fell as i did before . i dont want it to be over but its becoming more and more clear tht it may be time to jst let it go . id never wanted somehting so bad as i wanted us to wrk but you can only try so hard and for so long before you jst quit . i warned him tht i was changing and tht i was unhappy and he'd say he'd change but he never did . and i walked away ; now wen he really has changed i feel like its too little to late and i dont know wut to do . and on the days i do wanna try it again i see something tht hurts meeh all over again so i jst cant do it . all i know is tht im a strong girl regaurdless of wut others say and i will get through this , maybe one day we'll end up back together and maybe we won't ; either way i found myself and rite now wut matters the most .