lost and found

wen do you realize its over ? thats like asking wen did it start . i cant pinpoint where i fell for him ; or wen he fully had my heart but i know at one point he did . he had each and every part of meeh and its weird cus i never thought id let myself get that close to someone again but i did and quite honestly i dunno how he did it but he did . the begining was interesting ; we had each other but we had others too then one day it was just "us" . noone else no questions asked and thats wen i became aware tht through the clubs and late nite visits and road trips he had won over my heart and i was actually okay with it . i hadnt planned on finding love but hey it found meeh . this is where things got really goood ; meeting famalies making plans all the fun stuff . we had ur fair share of arguments but who doesnt .but as we got closer i began to feel he was pushing meeh awayy . hed say things tht he'd later apologize for but the damage would already be done . neither of us were angels in the relationship but i tried my hardest tp mke it work and to give him my all ; but it never seemed to be enough ; he'd still always find something wrong . i slowly began to lose my sense of self . everything i was doing was becus of him ; my hair . my actions . my friends , my clothes ; i had lost ME . and then one day it hit meeh ; i was no longer happy and my feelings had changed . i know wen yur in a reationship you mke scarafices but you should never have to sacrafice your sense of self . i had never been so dissappointed in myself before . how had i let a guy change so much about meeh ; and as i began to find myself again i once again became not good enough. we coudltn have a converstaion without arguing and fighting. everyhting i did was wrong or shady and it got to a point where i cudnt take it . not even love was worth this fight , and i didnt gove up on us ; instead i believed in myself . i'll always have love for him but my person has been so damaged and hurt by the things hes said or done tht i dont know if i'll ever fell as i did before . i dont want it to be over but its becoming more and more clear tht it may be time to jst let it go . id never wanted somehting so bad as i wanted us to wrk but you can only try so hard and for so long before you jst quit . i warned him tht i was changing and tht i was unhappy and he'd say he'd change but he never did . and i walked away ; now wen he really has changed i feel like its too little to late and i dont know wut to do . and on the days i do wanna try it again i see something tht hurts meeh all over again so i jst cant do it . all i know is tht im a strong girl regaurdless of wut others say and i will get through this , maybe one day we'll end up back together and maybe we won't ; either way i found myself and rite now wut matters the most .

lost

so im pretty lost . someone shud come find meeeeh . i feel like i've done all i can now i jst sit and wait . at this point its kina like wutever happens happens cus i dnt no wut else i cn do . love is a strong word and i wna use it but im afraid ppl will assume im using it jst cus of the circumstancess bt this all made meeh realize how mch i do need certain people in my life and how mch i do care . but i refuse to say it first unti i kno it'll be believed . its also amazing how i cn truly turn to someone i hvnt evn known tht long but she's a boss and i trust her . i hope things get better becus if they dont who knowss , but imma be strong and jst go with the flow . at least lulu got thursday off so oc/la here we comee . and angel comes bck friday , and armani came bck saturdayy . so at least at this super sucky timee im gna have all 6 of my mains if i need them becus i kno they caree . and i cn jst hope my lover knows i care (= well im outro cus i gta go mke money agnn so cn buy my new car .

breakdown

so i feel like im on the verge of losing something amazingg and i cudnt tell yuu why . i've nvr cared ferr anthr the way i care about him but i feel like things are changing and i DO NOT like it . im at a point in my life where i finally had my girls my fam and my babyy and it was all good bt somethings not rite and this bothers meeh . id give anything ferr any of the previously mentioned becus they are the reason im bck where i need to be . i hate the feeling i currently have and i hate waiting . evn though i was told not to wrry i cnt help but to , i mean wut if yuu felt like something yuu need in yurr life was changing . im gna be strong and go with wutevr happens but i hope wut happens is meeh and him . i cnt see lsoing any of these important people becus they mean the most to meeh . im hvng a breakdown and i cudnt evn tell yuu why except for the fact tht i hate knowing ppl are upset about somethingg . i really jst needa go sleeeep . later peeps . . .

conclusionss

the last few weeks have brought meeh to many conclusionss . i've recently discovered tht i let other people effect meeh too mch , i needa worry about MEEH and thts it . frm this point on im putting myself first alwayss cus it seems no one else ever will . i've also come to the conclusion tht if ppl are gna be mean to meeh im gna mean rite bck . im done cryingg , im stronger thn tht so the world better watch the fck out . my best fren has def helped meeh get bck to where i needed to be becus she understands meeh like no other person has or ever will . i also came to the conslusion tht i LOVE malibu and coke and tht LA is the place to be . the club scene has ben pretty fun now tht i met the WINKLES (= cus theyre friggen legit . a recent convo with my main hoe made meeh realize tht i surround myself with heartless people , and i think its because i believe tht i'll mean enough to them tht they'll be less heartless with meeh but tht has yet to happen , yet i still stick around ; who knows why except tht by the time i realize theyre not gna change im all ready to deep involved but ima strong girl i cn handle it . i do have a feeling tht my atitude is gna start chnging though and i dnt kno if the world is readyy . i've also decided tht i wna buy about 10 new pairs of shoes if not moree , i needa step my game upp (= angbakess comes bck next week and i seriously cannot wait becus ths summer is all about my skank hoess . well thts it ferr now cus i gta gt ready ferr wrrk and go mke a bank roll $$$ srry if this was hella random but i was hvn a flight of ideass (=



and thts life according to tiana <3

Wut A Nitee

so my day started out pretty nicelyy . daygo with my fellow promoters all day . whyy 5 of us waited to gt ready until about 30 mins before cudnt tell yuu bt it all workd out jst fine . we had to run some dummy type missions to get jayjay's walkie talkie thing tht NO WHERE had bt we FINALLY made it to the club at around 915ishh . some othr girls were already doin the guestlist therefore i didnt have too . as always at about 1030 it was completely packed and i felt like i was literally in hell . it was soooooo hot . then low and behold my ex aka heartbreaker walks in . he tries to get my atention multiple times throughout the nite but i jst ignore it . i will NVER mke tht mistake again . got hit on way too mch bt wen guys asked ferr my nmbr i jst handed em ca$h's business cards instead hahahahaa . by the end of the nite i jst wanted to go sleep but these boys were on some bullshit so it took wut seemed like FOREVR to leave the club . now im finally in a bed chillin . all in all the SPRING BREAK LOCKDOWN was a success . i also realized how mch i cared about my loverr tonitee . later hoesss .

Letting goooo

i NEVER thought it would hurt this bad . i should have walked away wen i heard how you were . i should have walked away when my BEST FRIEND told meeh you weren't a smart move . i should have walked away the first time you left meeh crying . i shud have walked away the first time you told meeh you changed . i should have walked away the first time i got you caught up ; or the second time ; or the third time . i should have walked away when you flaunted your new girlfriend or lover in my face . but i didn't . i stuck around because i LOVED you . and i THOUGHT you loved meeh to . but i was ohhh sooooo wrong . i did everything to make you happy and i still got nothingg . i trusted you EVERYTIMEE you told meeh things would be different but everythng always ended the exact same way as before . i went out of my way to make you smile , but i always ended up crying . well im ALL cried out . and im donee . i've come to the conclusion that i deserve a lot better . i deserve someone who is goin to give jst as mch as i do . i deserve to smile . i deserve someone who cares because you sure as hell didn't . i'm nt sad its over and i don't regret it because i learned frm it . but i'm nt gunna lie and say it doesnt hurt to say good byee to someone who truly had my heart . i'm left pickin up the pieces but i WILL be stronger once its all healed . and i have amazing people by my side to help meeh through it . i dont love you anymore . you thought i'd always be there but you took meeh for granted and now im gonee and someone else will love meeh in all the ways you didn't .